Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
