In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
