Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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