listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I have post one night stand depression
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