I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
