How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
