Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
