I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
