no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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