My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
