I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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