the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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