There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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