What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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