the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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