I think scott just propositioned me for sex
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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