We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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