I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
