you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize