Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
