I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize