I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
