Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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