You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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