why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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