Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
