I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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