i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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