Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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