Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
