Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
