1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
