Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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