he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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