Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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