I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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