dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
