Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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