dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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