It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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