I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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