i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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