onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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