It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
