i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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