Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
