I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
