Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
