Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
