I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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