You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
