wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
