two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
