The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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