I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize