Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Is Oprah even human
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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