Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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