Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
