first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
