i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
